Her Strange thoughts


Hyderabad: 24 /9/202: "When you are young, you wait for the world to save you. You wait for that sorry note from your Mother, and a romance of a lifetime from that guy you had a crush on for the last 3 weeks. You think that a Europe trip would ease your worries away, and a 'miss you' text from that one person who you think about everyday but still don't talk to will help you live a little better. You are alive in your head more than this miserable physical world. You think that you are never going to be fine and maybe this is the best that you can have. But when you grow older, everything changes. You realize that grand gestures and other people do not save you, mundane things in your everyday life do.
You do not daydream of trips to soothe your mind anymore. Instead, you stand in front of the balcony and look at the glowing orange moon while sipping your cold coffee and somehow it makes you feel a little less lonely. It's as if the moon can look back at you and listen to all the rambles of your heart. You make a playlist for almost everything from cooking in the kitchen to finishing the last episode of your new favorite show. It's like a time capsule that you revisit all the time just to remember how you've lived your life. You buy fifty books in the fare, even the ones you have already read. You romanticize freshly cut green grass, and a cold cup of water, and a blue sky full of clouds, and the way trees dance with the storm, and that small lane in your neighborhood with magnolia and dogwood trees that looks like a scene from an 80's French movie. You collect cups, bowls and socks and wonder how weird it must look to love them. You come home tired and lay on your sofa but the way your home smells makes you feel like you belong somewhere. You realize that intimacy isn't just physical or romantic. You feel it when someone comes to your room for the first time and looks at all your stuff and you find yourself telling them backstories, or when you tell someone a story about your childhood and they look at you like they understand you a little more and give you the warmest smile. You watch that movie for the 30th time and eat ice cream and solve puzzles when you feel lonely instead of texting and stalking someone who is not good for your mental health. You catch sunsets every evening because you love the way they remind you that there's a new day ahead, and you like listening to the rustle of the leaves on a gloomy day. You live for your plants and your pets and the little pigeon in your balcony who coos every now and then. You appreciate home cooked meals more, and clean clothes and the way fixing your kitchen does you better than a motivational podcast. And sometimes you pause just to notice your breath and the slow rise and fall of your chest and it makes you glad that you are here. Loving these mundane things have taught you more about beauty than a couple of heartbreak poems. You find that you have stopped giving in to unnecessary stress and you live your life by your intentions and not your habits. You empty your pockets and let go of all the things that are too heavy for you to carry. And when someone offers you their half-hearted love, you smile and refuse because it took you a long time to love yourself and now that you finally know your worth, you have realised the way you deserve to be loved. After all, you have understood that finding yourself is closer to finding love. When you look back, you know that there is no need to stay in the past anymore. And instead of waiting for the world to save you, you finally learn to save yourself.....

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