I’m learning not to love people more than they love me.

Salooni Chopra
Spain: 6 June 2022: I’m learning not to love people more than they love me. I’m not being cynical… it’s just that I often think I have too much love inside me to give, and so I walk around celebrating people, loving them, nourishing and supporting them… and recently I’ve come to realise that maybe I’m wrong about the amount of love I have within me. Maybe I’ve been wrong all along.
If I had all that love to give and then some more, I wouldn’t be going to sleep at night feeling so much emptiness, would I?
I seem to lay awake on many nights, feeling a strange void within me. This void often turns to self loathing and self doubt, making me question my own worth… because I have vivid memories of giving love to people that didn’t want to respect me, those that made me feel I wasn’t good enough, and then I walked further and took a right turn, only to give more love. I nurtured those that made me believe that my flaws needed to be mended and moulded. My body adapted to fit their stereotypes. My dreams altered to squeeze into a little box their family had decorated for me. I loved, and I loved, and I wondered how on earth it was possible to love them, and yet love me? I couldn’t possibly love us both with the same amount of conviction… so I carried on with self doubt, offering as much as I could to those that asked for it.
I know, at the bottom of my empty, lonely heart, I know I’m running out of love.
That’s when learnt that I only have so much love within me. And the more I give, the emptier I get.
And so I’m learning not to love people more than they love me…
Hopeful that when I go to sleep at night, I’ll have enough love to remind myself I’m worth every little bit of it that I preserved and kept away for me.
Just another girl”

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