My Sex transitioning operation was a long journey, before it physically happened, genital surgery, and euphoria.


Dr Mehrub Moiz Awan
Karachi: 26 June 2022: I've been depressed ever since I hit puberty, have had a clinical diagnosis since 2017, and have been continually on anti depressant medication for the last 5 years now. I talk about it openly, and am quite candid about my experience with other mental health issues but most importantly about depression - especially how I develop neurological signs if I'm off my meds for more than 2 days.
The best part about depression is that it teaches you the value of happiness - that rush of joy. Moments when you're just happy, smiling, and laughing - ready to take on the world or do your favourite thing while being just happy. And it shows you how so much of this happiness is curtailed by the social and economic structures around us - and how these moments of joy become less available over time.
Two days ago I had my gender confirmation surgery. Naturally, I haven't been on anti depressants for the last three days. On top of that I underwent a two hour long procedure under general anesthesia, accompanied by severe genital pain for the first night. I hadn't eaten, couldn't drink water for a while, and am on a heavy dose of antibiotics. All of this means that I should be absolutely miserable. Not just because I don't have the necessary depression medicine in my body, but also because my condition necessitates the misery. Hypothetically, the drop in my testosterone after the surgery must cause be to be a slump, and may be accompanied by severe guilt and regret or a mourning of my now absent genitalia.
The truth couldn't be different. I'm the most euphoric I've ever been in the last many years. I have no symptoms of being off my anti depression meds, I'm laughing, I'm giggling, I'm walking, I'm doing quite a lot of chores myself, I'm even getting horny (which is extremely painful right now but it's still happening), I'm sleeping smack on time and waking up 7 hours later naturally - it's like my body woke up one night after surgery and decided to be absolutely normal all over again.
So what is euphoria? And what is causing this? Or must I look for a "cause"? The last remaining shreds of testosterone production have been removed from my body - and without my happy meds I'm accessing joy that was never accessible before.
I write this openly because as transwomen we are trained and told to hide ourselves, our bodies, our processes, and our lives. We are wrapped away in a sordid shroud of secrecy and shame; our decisions are called mutilations and our outcomes considered freaky. But there is none of that over here; all I feel is sheer divine joy and happiness.
Thank you to all the people, friends, family, colleagues, and strangers on the internet who have sent love and support. I'm doing very well Alhamdulillah and my surgery was a success. My name and gender has officially been updated on my government IDs. And for any of you who disagree, I want you to respectfully walk out of my life for good.
I have never been more proud of myself for doing this, and can't wait to see what the Divine has destined for me from here after. All I know is that all signs led to this and that I feel like I finally belong.
Love to all trans sisters and brothers who are thinking about transitioning. May God be with you all.

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