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When you lose someone…

Hyderabad: 8 December 2022: When you lose someone…
all of a sudden you have no choice but to live in a world you don’t recognize.
It feels dark even when it’s daylight.
Lonely even when you are surrounded by people.
Only existing. Unsure of your identity now.
You can see life going on right in front of you.
You even try to reach out and touch that world. But you aren’t able to. Yet.
People out there are just living their mundane lives and seem to not have a care in the world. You sometimes try to live in that world too. This involves fake smiles and pretend interest in small talk. It’s exhausting. So you choose to isolate instead.
It would be nice to switch places with them. And not have your loss constantly replaying in your mind. All those anxious thoughts ruminating.
It’s a rude awakening when everyone just keeps moving. Laughing. Making plans. While you are suspended in time.
Just going through the motions. With a pain so deep that you can’t even exactly pinpoint where it is coming from.
Invisible to others. But it’s there. And it always hurts.
People will say “they are always with you”.
But where? It feels so long since you have heard their voice. You almost feel like you have been abandoned to roam this unrecognizable world alone. And on the other end, feel guilty for trying to move forward without them.
Loss is this way. A big ball of tangled up feelings. And it takes as long as it takes to move through these confusing emotions. It takes patience. Lots of self care and being kind to yourself.
Because grief is lonely journey when you are the only one who truly understands how this particular loss feels.

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